I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
