I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
