I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
