I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
