If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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