Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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