I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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