Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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