I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
