Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
