I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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