non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
