you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
