Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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