I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
