I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
