Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
