so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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