Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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