i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
