My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
