She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
