I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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