our cab driver is having phone sex.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Vodka?
Forever.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
