For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Randomize
