ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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