I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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