well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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