High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
