Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
