Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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