I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
