I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
