I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
