I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
