I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
