i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
this just has baby written all over it
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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