I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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