i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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