i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
