We're facebook friends in real life
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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