I hate all girls vehemently.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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