You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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