there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He kissed a someone with a penis
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
