I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
