don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
