Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
