Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
