Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
