My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
