we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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