you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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